Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
