I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
