God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize