he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
is it fun? or sober?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
