Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
