I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
