I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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