It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
