I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
