when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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