Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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