He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize