Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
