I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
