what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
