God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
