i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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