i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
