so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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