I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
