Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think a kid would responsible me up
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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