The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
