He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
