My underwear smells like fireworks.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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