Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
