Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize