I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
