I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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