You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
