I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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