Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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