I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
