you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
