can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
