I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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