On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
