I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
