the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
