We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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