Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
