After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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