Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
