im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
