i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
