note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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