im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
