You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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