How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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