I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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