Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
