I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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