don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
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