Pants 0. Shit 1.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
