I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
