Im at strip club and am horny
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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