Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
