the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
