hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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