i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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