The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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