Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
