Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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