did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
